Brandon Barton's Wordpress Blog

Enjoying Semi-Retirement by Keeping Up With the Kids Online.

Recommended post: No Luck Like Car Luck by Sank

Nothing like a knock on the door at 3:00 AM by the local law enforcement authorities to get the blood pumping. In full disclosure, the Apple Valley Police Department and I have had a bit of a difficult relationship over the years. They pulled my son and I over years ago for no reason other they wanted to check driver’s licenses. I was a passenger in the car and was asked to provide mine I asked why, what are you looking for. The response “Hmm I smell marijuana in this car. Why doesn’t everyone get out”.

No pot, not speeding, warrant check and we were on our way. Ya, what the hell.

Follow this up with a civics lesson on why parking on the plaza at the height school at 2:00 in the morning to deliver coffee to the all night Senior Party, a party at which BTW, I had no senior. The officer pulled up, lights blazing and proceeded to lecture me that driving on the sidewalk is illegal in Minnesota and despite the late hour, complete lack of cars and the fact that every basketball game, play or event there are typically three of four cars parked in that space to deliver goods, somehow my trespass was the one that caused the police to get involved.

No ticket mind you just a lecture and a “well you’re here now” statement and one serious look of disgust.

OK, fine.

Now it’s 3:00 AM.

I’m rousted from CPAP Dreams, stumbling and disoriented. No good news comes after midnight as they say, and finding the po-po on the stoop can’t be so good.

I tentatively open the door, bracing for bad news.

“So, are ya missing anything sir?”

Wasn’t ready for that question.

I can see shit without my glasses on but surely rubbing my eyes will restore my eyesight to something normal.. I look around. Huh.. cars missing.

“My car?”

“Ya, your car. Do you always leave your key in the car sir?”

“I most certainly do not. I never…” as he’s showing me the valet key.


Mrs S coming downstairs in her sleep burqa responds, kinda loudly actually “Ya we do, we leave the key in the glove box in case we get locked out”.  “We” it think in my most sarcastic tone ever. Leave the key in glove box. Makes no sense.

A least that’s what I thought I heard and at 3:00 AM. (Wouldn’t make sense 5 hours later at 8:00 either but what the heck)

I’m still trying to put together what we’re talking about.

Turns out kids had been rifling through cars in the neighborhood and found our key.

“Do you lock your car?”


“well your lucky night Sir, a neighbor startled the kids and they bolted. Otherwise your car would be in North Minneapolis getting chopped down right now.”

OK, we’re talking about a 1996 Camry here, might need to change expectations on what lucky means in this case.

So, we had to go right then and there to pick it up in the neighbor’s driveway. It was full of all the crap the kids had stolen. MRs S, who reads a lot of detective stories asked the officer about the stuff in the seat. “Don’t you want this?” Cop- “Nope” “But it’s evidence” “Yup” “What are we supposed to do with them?” “Give ‘um away as Christmas presents.”

Protect and Serve doesn’t mean what it used to.

And figured that I’m they guy who loses the car even the losers don’t want.

Filed under: Life


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